To my children, yet unborn.
Wherever u are –on a very long waiting-to-be-born queue in heaven or in my body somewhere-I hope u get to read this…
The following are rules that u must obey, strictly, during your years of living with me, in my house, sorry, our house.
Since I am yet to know who your father will be at the time of this writing, permit me to say that some rules may change later on while some new ones will also be added.
I am not a wicked mother I just have to guard against rearing children who will disgrace me like Farouk-when u get here, will tell you his story.
These are the rules:
GENERAL RULES
1. You will as a matter of compulsion add me as friend on facebook when u are old enough to join. In fact, I must have access to Ur account at all times.
2. Drinking of beer or stout or other forms of bitter alcohol is highly prohibited. If you must drink, it must be sweet alcohol-sugar is good for the body.
3. Smoking of anything aside from fish is highly prohibited. If u want to get high, climb the ceiling!
4. I will never lay my hands on u but I have punishments for every offense that will make u wish I had beaten the hell out of u.
5. Until u are able to afford it for urselves, I will not buy u ridiculously expensive and vain items like Lacewigs, Brazilian hair, Indian hair, or whatever. If u know u love to have the Brazilian or Indian hair, tell the angel in charge of u over there to hook me up with a Brazilian or Indian guy-that way u will have the hair naturally and not have to spend huge amount of money buying it.
6. I will not tolerate meaningless crying or sobbing, if u want something simple say it or write it in a note and give it to me.
7. I will love u unconditionally but I will love u more if u can be a genius and invent useful devices such as generators that will run on water since there is no guaranty that the Electricity and fuel problems in Nigeria would have been solved by the time u get here.
8. U can bring home friends as long as they are of same sex with u. don’t try to be smart, telling she/he is ur friend when in fact she/he is ur brother/sister’s girlfriend/boyfriend. I played that game too well that I can tell exactly whose friend is who!
9. Regardless of whatever era or country u are raised in, if u are a BOY-u must like only GIRLS and if u are a GIRL u must like only BOYS! chikena!
10. U shall watch only movies that improve Ur intellect. Movies and TV shows such as papa ajasco and company, aje ni y’ami, ta ni ki’n pa, lukuluku etc are very much prohibited.-except of course ur daddy is starring in them!
11. Any money given to u by my friends or family member belongs solely only to me-the only monetary gifts u are allowed to keep is that which ur friend gives u-and I still have the executive right to ask for it if the need arises.
12. You shall not waste your time acquiring skills that are not useful. if we reside in Nigeria and u happen to have an ice-skating skill, please swap it with the ability to be able to figure out how to make the fuel in a generator last longer.
13. If u are caught stealing my things, no I will not punish u. I will only steal your own stuffs too. So for the safety of those youthful things I will envy u for having, stay away from my adult stuffs too.
14. Except our TV is directly connected to the commentators microphone-when watching football matches, u will not shout the players name or tell them what to do or how to play. No screaming, no cussing, no useless analysis, no kicking the air. U shall watch the match with utmost decorum and decency-we will do the exact opposite of this rule if it turns out that ur father is a football megastar.
RULES ON FOOD AND NUTRITION
1. You shall eat with sincere gratitude whatever I cook at anytime. If I decide it’s Amala for breakfast and Pringles with tea for dinner, then so shall it be-Mama know best!
2. Regardless of whether you father is from Ekiti or not, I will not make you “original’ pounded yam! The closest you will get is ‘poundo yam’, so if one of your greatest fantasy up there is to eat a lot of pounded yam on earth, then I will suggest u join the special skills queue now that u are still in heaven and ask the angel in charge to give u the ability to be able to pound yam for the whole nation!
3. There will be no begging of food from strangers-if u see someone eating something u like, just tell me-I might buy it for u but that’s only if I feel like eating it too.
4. Since rice is my best food-automatically, it should be your best food too. I therefore advise that you stop eating rice whenever it’s served in heaven since u will spend the better part of Ur life on earth eating it. Also go ahead and eat all the eba u can in heaven now-u won’t get to taste that once u get into my house.
5. If I am lucky to have someone taller than I am as your father-then u won’t get to eat much beans. But if not, be prepared to consume sacks and sacks of beans-I don’t want to raise “down-to-earth” children!
6. In my time, I was taught that its bad manners to eat you meat before u finish your food, well I really don’t care which u eat 1st, as long as u eat everything.
SCHOOL RULES
1. Regardless of whatever story Ur grandma will tell u, I was a very brilliant and studious student. My results will not be available for your perusal, but I expect u A’s at all times.
2. If u so decide to have nicknames it must be nice and sensible. Names like Choko, palacci, jagoon and the likes is highly prohibited. No naming of urself after the latest slang or reigning individuals. Even if the reigning word in ur time is “strut” or” brag”- I don’t want to ever hear u calling urself “strutillicios” or “braggado” or whatever annoying name u can creatively come up with.
3. At no point in time should u ever come home crying cos u have been bullied-I expect u to be the bully.
4. Your choice of profession is ENTIRELY up to u, as long as u pay Ur school fees ENTIRELY!

