This was written by my dear friend on his hospital bed..he has not written anything in years. i read this,found it funny and i decided to post on my blog.
please read and leave your comments.
Okay I have been wanting to write for some time now but my very intelligent mind (that is what I like to tell myself after all I’m a graduate) keeps shooting blanks and I pretended its because I’m a very busy person. But when you have been ill for like 7 days and you have had your body (and soul I might add) pricked, pierced, punctured in fact stabbed by so many NURSES (thank God there are no male nurses) you suddenly start to wonder about them. And if you have been ill for like seven days and taken injection for the seven days you will meet all the Nurses, All will greet you, some will smile at you and of courses some will inject at you.
So I want to talk about nurses
There are different kinds of nurses (obviously) in no particular order.
This one is a fresher (it’s that simple) she is just starting out. Believes the hospital is a good place. You know the type that starts to act like a “tele-tubby” character when they see a cute baby (in fact any baby sef, cute or not). She is so nice you feel like you are in a hotel. I like it when she comes to inject me. Her hands are still tender her nails short and trim her touch gentle. Pity in her eyes as she fills the syringe, wondering why such a handsome young man has to go thorough this (it does not matter if I am or not just go with the flow). You can tell her hand is shaky while injecting you but you don’t mind because she is beautiful and looks so sweet in that uniform. Suddenly she is like a 100 level girl and you start to feel like a 400 hundred guy and every time the conversation is about to get to where you invite her for tutorials at yours in the evening (when you recover of course) ZELDA walks in. The lamb is the nurse you remember to ask after when you are discharged (usually Zelda tells u she is off duty even when she is on duty).
Zelda is one evil evil evil nurse (I’m writing a petition to the federal government that all Zeldas be retired. I’m gonna need 1000 signatures I hope you will sign). She is not pretty or ugly but she sure as hell has “voldermots” eye. They stare into your soul. The sickness knows when she is around and behaves properly in her presence (the headache is firmer, your temperature rises sharp sharp, and your joints start to ache you very very well). I’m not sure how I feel when she comes to inject me (I’m too sick to have an opinion). Her hands are firm and crooked, you can tell her mind is on “Africa magic” while she fills the syringe. One look at you and you roll over, she injects you and you don’t feel a thing (that’s what you think), but every time Zelda comes to check up on you and you look in to her eyes you feel the pain right where she injected you. I’ve learnt not to look into her eyes and so have the other patients. She is the nurse you don’t greet when you are discharged, you walk right past her head high shoulders straight (I’m well now).
The Sweet nurse is like sunshine, she fills the room. She is old and mature knows how to charge a room with positive energy she knows all the right questions to ask. You are happy she is there and you guys have little meaningless convos about how u you are not married and her son isn’t too (even though u r both old enough to be) and u tell her stuff like she is your mum. In fact you wish you could take her home with you (as what na!?!?!? Your mother abi ur wife…ode!). I look forward to her coming to inject me, I feel positive like I’m going through a healing process (plus there is the interesting convo). You can see that she is worried about you and the other patients while she fills the syringe, saying a silent prayer. You have already turned for the injection before she asks. The only thing you feel is the “prick” (of the needle…what were u thinking) after that you don’t even know when she is done. You usually fall asleep after her injections even when there are no sedatives. She is the nurse you remember to say thank you to when you are discharged.
The Porn Star
Yeah you know her while most other nurses seem so drab in their uniform she manages to look like she is at he club, and for a moment there you can’t wait to get better so u can hit town together on Friday. She is always chewing gum and answers with a “grunt” (one grunt is yes, two grunts is a no). I think she doesn’t talk much because she is not intelligent (how did she make it through nursing school…i’m sure her HOD was male). She gets away with all the stuff other nurses don’t, she wears heels, plenty make up, long brightly painted nails, (is that Brazilian hair on her head -the owner of this hospital must be male). I love and hate it when she comes to inject me (its like painful sex). You can tell she is wondering how firm your behind is as she fills the syringe. She keeps dropping the syringe to check her blackberry. (God help you if a call comes in while she is injecting, you the session will last as long as the call…O yeah with the injection in you behind). When she swabs your behind with spirits you body tingles, she lays one hand softy on you bum you feel like she is about to kiss your ears…then you shout, you feel the whole length of the needle going in, even worse you feel the fluid entering your muscles painfully. Just when you are bout to scream again she draws out the needle in a painless sensual manner. You are about to ask for her blackberry pin then the “Sweet nurse” drops in and starts another meaningless interesting convo, *sigh*. She is the nurse you warned yourself not to collect her number or her pin she will ruin you marriage or relationship (whichever one).
Before I proceed, let me kindly state that the post you are about to read are my thoughts-you don’t have to agree or accept. It just my view.
Ok, sometimes last week, some one went through my twitter bio, and sent me a DM saying 'how can you say you are a Christian and still question your Faith?'
*sigh* how do I explain this sef.
ok,lets start this way. If you are a Christian, have you ever asked yourself, 'what if you were born into a Muslim home, brought up with the Muslim belief and practices, would you have converted? As an adult?
I have asked my self and my question is 'most likely no'.
Don’t get me wrong, asides from being brought up in a Christian home, I have done my own little pursuit and I can say that I have at least, more than once had an experience or should I say encounter with the God and Christ.
I have seen miracles happening, I have prayed and gotten answers, I have called upon the name of Jesus Christ in the dead of the night and felt the immediate effects I have experienced that awesome effect and feel of praise worship..abbl(ati be be lo).Somebody shout halleluiah!!!
Ok, But I was able to do all these because I had the fundamental beliefs and knowledge-I was exposed to it, taught about it from childhood. If I was born in a Muslim home, I most probably would have believed and trusted in what i was exposed and informed about-that is the Muslim religion and practices.
So at the end of the day,i didn’t particularly choose my religion-I inherited it. so also did 90 percent of other people. very few people actually convert from the religion the were born into. And for that to even happen, something very convincing would have happened to them that would have convinced them.
There are also those whose parents do not belong to any religion and were born into none-these set of people will end up with the most convincing or convenient group. How easy is it to convince someone that all they have lived their lives believing and trusting is a lie and that your own way is the truth? Especially if this said person do not have any major problems or situations where they need help from above? What can your ‘God’ offer that theirs can’t?
I have realised religion is one of the most debated topics ever, next to politics. I have watched people quote their religious books and all, claiming their religion is superior to the other’s, running other people’s religion down. Truth is, if your father and fore-fathers were Sango worshippers, and your life has been smooth from day one-wouldn’t you believe everything happened because you worshipped Sango with all your heart? Wouldn’t you go around with cowries in your hair and a fowl’s feather in your handbag?
And yes I have seen Nigerians talk of violence-especially in the north. Muslims are killing Christians and all that. In my opinion, its more of a tribal issue than religion. There are Muslims in the West too. People who kill other people and say its for religious reasons just needed an excuse and religion was the easiest reason. I personally do not think the Islamic religion supports violence or is there any religion that preaches hatred and killing. (erm, minus those ones we see in Africa magic sha)..
In summary, before you go around acting cocky and all that, raising shoulder and running down other people’s religious beliefs, just ask yourself this, if you were in their shoes, lived their lives, would you believe otherwise? Would you have chosen another faith?
As long as they dont hurt you or other people or even themselves, let people be. Dont force anything down people's throat.
If you offer someone a religious tract and they refuse it,no need to threaten or insult them. Everyone has a right to whatever religion they choose and so also a reason why they chose that religon.
RESPECT OTHER PEOPLE’S RELIGIOUS BELIEFS... #thatisall!
• Never expect people to be aware of your needs or wants. ASK!
• Never judge people by their appearance…have met angels in the humblest of appearances.
• Always spell out what u are worth, or think u are worth…else people will ‘de-value’ u.
• When/if u truly love someone-family, friend, what-ave-u, tell them whenever you can…u never can tell how long they will be around.
• What goes around surely comes around, some of us are just lucky to have stepped out when ‘it’ comes around.
• Never smell what you don’t intend eating.
• Age is perhaps the most irrelevant basis of relating with people. There are adults with the heart of a child, there are children whose wisdom surpass their age, and there are people whose number of years is directly proportional to their level of stupidity.
• When someone does not love you, let the heavens fall, sell ur soul, jump of the bridge, kill ur mother...It can’t, won’t, shan’t…change a thing!
• Form when you need to…
Act cream when u have to…
Act chick when its necessary…
But most importantly…be as RAZZ as possible when the situation calls for it.
There are times when forming and creaminess will only get u into trouble.
Besides, razzness can be really fun.lol
• Never go to bed without saying your prayers!
• Find time to have fun and be with loved ones…time is too short.
• Dare to be different!
• Don’t ever order a meal just cos it appears nice in the other person’s plate.
• If you meet someone you like, tell the person and walk away. u never know…
• Never put all the cash you have on u in a wallet or purse…
Never put all valuables (phones, ipod, atm) in ur bag. Keep stuffs in separate pockets.
And ‘vex money’ is the most important thing to hold when going out on a date with any guy!
• Never assume anything, especially in relationships…clarify/state things out in black and white!
• Happiness will never be found by searching…it just comes to one.
• It’s always better to walk away when angry…I have never tried this, but am sure it works.
his is for no one in particular...
just strings of weird stuffs that goes thru my head
*some of these incidents did happen*
I do not hate you
But I hate the way you send me
A ‘call-me-it’s-an-emergency’ text at 10:30pm.
And I try to hurry so I can save your life.
So I run as fast as I can down the street, wake that poor old woman up...
Run back to my gate, find out I locked myself out...Still have you in mind all the same.
I recharge my phone and speedily dial your number “Are you okay?”I said.
And then u say “I dey, abeg no vex, i wanted to ask you, in FRIENDS,
Did Rachael sleep with joey too?
“Thought you said it was an EMERGENCY???
I do not hate you
But I really hate it
When you call me first thing Monday morning
And say,“Tunrayo, I brought you something form the states”
And am grinning from ear-to-ear, thanking God for making me know you.
And the you add “but am in Badagry now, you have to come pick it up there”
‘No problem” I said.Then I pick a cab, off to Badagry all the way from Bariga.
Got stuck in traffic for more than 4hrs, finally got there and then...
“I got you three chocolates-1 Bounty, 1 Mars and 1 Trix”...
Isn’t that really great???
I do not hate you
But I really really hate it
When you spend your whole day doing other things
Then you wait for exactly 2.a.m to call my phone.
And with all the strength I can muster, I pick up the phone
And the first thing I hear you say is “are you sleeping already”
And I ignore the question hoping you are a nightmare that will soon go away
But you continue by saying, “I saw your status update on Facebook,
Just wanted to let you know that I think it’s funny?”
Have you graduated to taking coke???
I do not hate you
But I so much hate it
When you called me at 3p.m, said you have an important decision
You want me to help you make, and am thinking, “This is it!
And I get off work early, head straight for your office regardless of the traffic.
Then I saw you, excitedly I said, “I am listening” and then you say
“Well I have always wanted a gladiator sandal, and then this girl brought some
To the office today, I don't know whether I should pick the black or brown”?
I came all the way to Ikeja to help you pick a pair of sandals???
*shakes my head and stares into space*
To my children, yet unborn.
Wherever u are –on a very long waiting-to-be-born queue in heaven or in my body somewhere-I hope u get to read this…
The following are rules that u must obey, strictly, during your years of living with me, in my house, sorry, our house.
Since I am yet to know who your father will be at the time of this writing, permit me to say that some rules may change later on while some new ones will also be added.
I am not a wicked mother I just have to guard against rearing children who will disgrace me like Farouk-when u get here, will tell you his story.
These are the rules:
1. You will as a matter of compulsion add me as friend on facebook when u are old enough to join. In fact, I must have access to Ur account at all times.
2. Drinking of beer or stout or other forms of bitter alcohol is highly prohibited. If you must drink, it must be sweet alcohol-sugar is good for the body.
3. Smoking of anything aside from fish is highly prohibited. If u want to get high, climb the ceiling!
4. I will never lay my hands on u but I have punishments for every offense that will make u wish I had beaten the hell out of u.
5. Until u are able to afford it for urselves, I will not buy u ridiculously expensive and vain items like Lacewigs, Brazilian hair, Indian hair, or whatever. If u know u love to have the Brazilian or Indian hair, tell the angel in charge of u over there to hook me up with a Brazilian or Indian guy-that way u will have the hair naturally and not have to spend huge amount of money buying it.
6. I will not tolerate meaningless crying or sobbing, if u want something simple say it or write it in a note and give it to me.
7. I will love u unconditionally but I will love u more if u can be a genius and invent useful devices such as generators that will run on water since there is no guaranty that the Electricity and fuel problems in Nigeria would have been solved by the time u get here.
8. U can bring home friends as long as they are of same sex with u. don’t try to be smart, telling she/he is ur friend when in fact she/he is ur brother/sister’s girlfriend/boyfriend. I played that game too well that I can tell exactly whose friend is who!
9. Regardless of whatever era or country u are raised in, if u are a BOY-u must like only GIRLS and if u are a GIRL u must like only BOYS! chikena!
10. U shall watch only movies that improve Ur intellect. Movies and TV shows such as papa ajasco and company, aje ni y’ami, ta ni ki’n pa, lukuluku etc are very much prohibited.-except of course ur daddy is starring in them!
11. Any money given to u by my friends or family member belongs solely only to me-the only monetary gifts u are allowed to keep is that which ur friend gives u-and I still have the executive right to ask for it if the need arises.
12. You shall not waste your time acquiring skills that are not useful. if we reside in Nigeria and u happen to have an ice-skating skill, please swap it with the ability to be able to figure out how to make the fuel in a generator last longer.
13. If u are caught stealing my things, no I will not punish u. I will only steal your own stuffs too. So for the safety of those youthful things I will envy u for having, stay away from my adult stuffs too.
14. Except our TV is directly connected to the commentators microphone-when watching football matches, u will not shout the players name or tell them what to do or how to play. No screaming, no cussing, no useless analysis, no kicking the air. U shall watch the match with utmost decorum and decency-we will do the exact opposite of this rule if it turns out that ur father is a football megastar.
RULES ON FOOD AND NUTRITION
1. You shall eat with sincere gratitude whatever I cook at anytime. If I decide it’s Amala for breakfast and Pringles with tea for dinner, then so shall it be-Mama know best!
2. Regardless of whether you father is from Ekiti or not, I will not make you “original’ pounded yam! The closest you will get is ‘poundo yam’, so if one of your greatest fantasy up there is to eat a lot of pounded yam on earth, then I will suggest u join the special skills queue now that u are still in heaven and ask the angel in charge to give u the ability to be able to pound yam for the whole nation!
3. There will be no begging of food from strangers-if u see someone eating something u like, just tell me-I might buy it for u but that’s only if I feel like eating it too.
4. Since rice is my best food-automatically, it should be your best food too. I therefore advise that you stop eating rice whenever it’s served in heaven since u will spend the better part of Ur life on earth eating it. Also go ahead and eat all the eba u can in heaven now-u won’t get to taste that once u get into my house.
5. If I am lucky to have someone taller than I am as your father-then u won’t get to eat much beans. But if not, be prepared to consume sacks and sacks of beans-I don’t want to raise “down-to-earth” children!
6. In my time, I was taught that its bad manners to eat you meat before u finish your food, well I really don’t care which u eat 1st, as long as u eat everything.
1. Regardless of whatever story Ur grandma will tell u, I was a very brilliant and studious student. My results will not be available for your perusal, but I expect u A’s at all times.
2. If u so decide to have nicknames it must be nice and sensible. Names like Choko, palacci, jagoon and the likes is highly prohibited. No naming of urself after the latest slang or reigning individuals. Even if the reigning word in ur time is “strut” or” brag”- I don’t want to ever hear u calling urself “strutillicios” or “braggado” or whatever annoying name u can creatively come up with.
3. At no point in time should u ever come home crying cos u have been bullied-I expect u to be the bully.
4. Your choice of profession is ENTIRELY up to u, as long as u pay Ur school fees ENTIRELY!
found this in my mail today.
A friend sent it to me late last year.
It made sense then and after reading it today it still does..
I hope it makes sense to you too..
I may be wrong and in fact I hope I am, but when I read through your Note it seems to me like things didn't quite work out as you had hoped in 2009. it is on that premise that I thought ill reach out to you on the platform you love best.
You asked me at some point how I would describe you to me you come across as mostly Brown (natural, down to earth and a realist) and Blue (Calm, trustworthy peaceful and proud). One in a while you are Orange (excited, enthusiasts and warm) At times though you seem alone, sad and very ruffled within the calm facade (still Brown/Blue). But I know this is not all that you are but I guess its the way you are around me, because In our conversations hear about the Red you (fiery, easily angered, sharp tongued).
Now in response to your turbulent and ordinary 2009 I thought i'll write you a Note (A long one).
I believe in that people can be happy, but as an adult the dimensions of happiness are so diverse that all the pieces are hardly ever in place at the same time. The funny thing that makes it even more knotty is also that as we grow up and live our lives the priorities attached to the pieces shift around.
As a baby we are happy once our stomach is full. As a toddler in addition to the full stomach all we need to be happy are things to play with and people to care for us.
Things start getting complicated as we become teenagers, somewhere between toddler and teenager we begin to recognise the worldly things and understand that all men are not equal. For us to be happy at this point we usually require the worldly things and acceptance from friends and non friends (even those that don't care if you live or die)
Unfortunately it does not get any easier, as we become adults we realise this very famous saying is true . . . no man is an island. . .sadly we also find that this sometimes is why we cant be happy. Sometimes its family that is the problem sometimes it's friends.
While all of this is happening we also realise that there is “life” it just happens to you. You get lucky, you loose a loved one, you get into trouble , you fall sick, you win the lottery. So as you become an adult you learn that you can prepare and plan but “life” is not that simple. . . ultimately this realization helps us to find "faith". . .faith helps us to explain and possibly direct the overbearing hand of “life”
As if things are not complicated enough at this stage we then add love to the mix or should I say our quest for love . . . i'm not going to dwell on this your Healing poem tells it all.
In the mist of all this as young adult we start to worry about the future, Self fulfillment, settling down, making it, Serving God and many other thing usually you are more confused that convinced.
I believe in Happiness and people can be happy but to recognise happiness when it comes we need to know where we are going, what we want it to look like as an individual.
Take the paint and the brush and paint on a canvass where we want to be. We also need to remember that as we go we may need to modify this picture and sometimes change it totally. So like I said all the pieces of the picture will not fall into place at the same time but I believe that when the picture is almost complete with little or none of the main elements missing we can be happy.
I truly wish you a Happy 2010
1.The pedestrian toaster.
These ones are the most notorious.
its like they leave their house with a toasting target.
-20 gals per day
they'ld walk u to up anywia and most times they'ld start the cnversation with
''u look familiar'..
almost every lady looks familiar to them because they have obviously 'toasted' them b4 at sum point or the other...
2.The one who has read the encyclopeadia of pick up lines.
ha ha, these ones are my favourite of all times cos i ahve also mastered the act of giving the perfect response to their lame pick up lines.
e.g-guy:''heaven must be missing an angel''
me: (with the konkest waffi tone i can muster)..an den tell u say na me kidnap am''?
i know what angels look like,and if not anything, i know they dont have 'manchesters' like mine.
so quit the lying and say sumtin else...
or ''i didnt catch ur name''...''i didnt throw it!''
3.The on-the-job Toaster
These one's are like the worst.
and most of the time they are bankers.
you want to deposit oh, u want to withdraw oh..they will ask for your number and try to start a converstion by dumbly saying something like '' withdraw enough for two oh,or spend this money now,its urs''....and yes, Lagos state taX collectors tooo...na Tax then kon collect na number they go change am too..
oh,its really worse when they are Doctors too,imagine going for a cervical cancer test and after standing up,trying desperately not to be embarrased, he goes like ''can i have ur number'?
4.The Accidental Toaster
These ones are like preys, wiating for ur shoppin bag or books or whatever it is you are holdin and they'ld pretend to want to help and then the next thing is..''whats ur name beautiful''??
most times they are the cause of these accidents!
5.The one who asks the very dumb questions
''...sorry is this the way to the island?''
''...excuse me, is Fashola the Govnor of This state''
''...sorry,is it true that Yara'dua is dead?''
''...what's the time pls?''-''guy,u are wearin a wristwatch,am not!''
cut the crap Man and go straight to the point...
6.The one with the horrible grammar
someone once asked me this question, ''how many MALE BROTHERS do u have???''
till date, i still dont know the right answer to that question..
or ''whats ur area of proffessional concentration''?
like wtf are u trying to say??
7.The pathetic gadget show-off
he starts a converstion with something like this
''...is that a Blackberry?''
''no, its not''
''oh, i thought it was,it looks just like my BB bold.i just got it, u wanna see?''
''do i look like a 5 yr old???''